Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
