I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
