You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
