Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
