Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
