Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
