My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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