Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
