i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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