Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
