This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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