Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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