life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
