It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
