the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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