i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
