a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
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