at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
