I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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