the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
