i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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