Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
