It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
