I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
