its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
