I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
