I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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