i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
