Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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