We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
