after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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