i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
