Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
