it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm really busy with my period
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