She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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