i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
