Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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