What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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