woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
