saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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