please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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