So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
