textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
