Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Everclear isn't food dammit
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