We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
