oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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