I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
