8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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