Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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