Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
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