Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
