I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
love makes seman taste better
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
