I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
