Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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