I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
