Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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