My Higher Power is John Stamos
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
