You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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