listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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