Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think i got beer on your cat.
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