i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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