For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
