what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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