i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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